LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE

Does real love grow out of long friendship?

Should you love someone whose background similar to yours?

Would you rather suffer yourself than have someone you love suffer?

Is love at the first sight possible?

Does the real fun lie in getting someone to fall for you rather than becoming seriously involved?

If you were to survey everyone in your class, you'd discover different answers to the above questions.  For every person who thinks love grows out of friendship, someone else believes love at first sight is possible.  For each of us who considers love the most important focus of life, another person views love as a game.

Although we accept varied tastes in everything from clothes to lifestyles, we seem less open-minded about diversity in love.  Whatever we have experienced as love is what we consider "real love."  Anything else we discounts as "just infatuation," "a fling," or " being a doormat."  Yet, it appears people differ in how they love.

Just as there are three primary colors, there are three primary styles of loving.  In addition, just as purple is created by blending the primary colors of blue and red, secondary love styles are made by blending primary ones.  Secondary styles are as vibrant as primary ones, just as purple is as lovely as red or blue.

Primary Styles of Love.  The three primary styles of love are eros, storge, and ludus.  Eros is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically.  It is an intense kind of love that may include sexual, spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attraction.  Erotic love is the most intuitive and spontaneous of all styles, and it is also the fastest moving.  Erotic lovers are likely to self-disclose early in a relationship, be very sentimental, and fall in love hard and fast.  Although folk wisdom claims women are more romantic than men, research indicates that men are more likely than women to be erotic lovers.

Storge (pronounced store-gay) is a comfortable, even-kneeled kind of love based on friendship.  Storgic love tends to grow gradually and to be peaceful and stable.  In most cases, it grows out of common interests, values, and life goals.  Storgic relationship don't have the great heights of erotic love, but neither do they have the fiery conflict and anger that erotic people often experience.  Steadiness is storge's standard mood.

The final primary style of love is ludus, which is playful love.  Ludics  see love as a game. It's a lighthearted adventure full of challenges, puzzles, and fun, but love is not to be taken seriously.  For ludics, commitment is poison.  Instead, they like to play the field and enjoy falling in love, but they don't seek commitment.  Many people go through ludic periods but are not true ludics.  After ending a long-term relationship, it's natural and healthy to avoid serious involvement for a while.  Dating casually and steering clear of heavy entanglement may be wise and fun.  Ludic loving may also suit people who enjoy romance but aren't ready to settle down.  Research indicates that more men than women have ludic inclinations when it comes to love.

Secondary Styles of Love.  There are three secondary styles of love: pragma, mania, and agape.  Pragma, as the name suggests, is pragmatic or practical love.  Pragma blends the conscious strategies of ludus with the stable, secure love of storge.  Pragmatic lovers have clear criteria for partners such as religious affiliation, career, and family background.  Although many people dismiss pragma as coldly practical and not really love, this is mistake.  Pragmatic lovers aren't necessarily unfeeling or unloving.  For them,  practical considerations are the foundation of enduring commitments, so thee must be satisfied before they let themselves fall in love.  Pragmatic considerations also guide arranged marriages in which families match children for economic and social reasons.

Mania derives its name from the Greek term theia mania, which means "madness from the gods".  Manic lovers have the passion of eros, but they play by ludic rules with results that can be disturbing to them and those they love.  Typically unsure that others really love them, manics may devise tests and games to evaluate a partner's commitment.  They may also think obsessively about a relationship and be unable to think about anyone or anything else.  In addition, manic lovers often experience emotional extremes, ranging from euphoric ecstasy to bottomless despair.

The final style of love is agape, which is a blend of storge and eros.  The term agape means we should love others without expectating of personal gain in return.  Agapic lovers feel the intense passion of eros and constancy of storge.  Generous and selfless, agapic lovers will put a loved one's happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity.  For them, loving and giving to another is its own reward.  Many people have agapic tendencies in their style of loving.

No matter which style you choose to love, if you love someone, love him or her sincerely and wholeheartedly. 

Prepared by: Suzi The Manic

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